


Snapshots, Past and Present

by wingedScribe



Series: Gay Shard Feelings [1]
Category: Cosmere - Brandon Sanderson, Mistborn - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Genderfluid Character, Kharbranth University/Cosmere RP 'verse, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-03 23:45:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6631888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingedScribe/pseuds/wingedScribe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of things I've written with Ati and Leras for/based on the tumblr Cosmere RP set in Kharbranth University. Mostly self-indulgent fluff or hurt/comfort featuring this pairing, written either for fun or because someone asked me to. </p><p>Rating might change chapter to chapter; I'll mark that and note any warnings for the chapter at the beginning of the chapter; I'm not sure how many chapters this will go, but each chapter is fairly well-contained. Most of these were written pre-Secret History, by the way, so there aren't any spoilers there. And it all takes place in an AU anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Friends

**Author's Note:**

> I figured I'd written enough of these to try putting them all in one place so I don't have to keep slogging through my google drive to find them when I wanted to show someone. 
> 
> As backstory, this is working off a number of headcanons regarding the backstories of Ati and Leras (if you know the cosmererp group on tumblr, it's the same headcanons as there); Leras is a trans man who became an army general, Ati (and Aona, his twin) were slaves, and through a few mishaps Leras ended up with custody of Ati; because he is an actual moral human being he immediately put in paperwork for Ati's release, but this particular drabble is early on, before it has gone through. Someone asked for "Leras being awesome" and this is what happened. 
> 
> Headcanons are mostly credited to atiumsavant on tumblr but really the entire Shard Chat pitched in for some of them. 
> 
> Warnings: sexual harassment at the beginning.

When Ati first heard someone call “Hey, you!” across the open courtyard, old instincts took over. _Head down, eyes forward. Hope they're not talking to you. Pretend you didn't hear them._

Of course, luck wasn't with him today.  As footsteps grew closer he tried to stop himself from scanning the edges of the courtyard for a familiar head of red hair. _Aona isn't here. She won't help you._

“No, you! The redhead. Leras’ new boy.” a hand landed on Ati’s shoulder, hauling him around to face the man. If there one thing that Ati hated most about being short, it was that he had to stare up at people, losing any chance of being intimidating.  This person was tall, a few medals clipped against his uniform telling Ati exactly how much trouble he was in. Ati looked down, not meeting the other man's eyes, years of instinct telling him to do anything that would get him out of this unharmed.

“Hm. Well, I can't fault Leras’ taste. All this time, we wondered why the man hadn't taken any slaves—and it was because he liked boys, I suppose.” The man gripped Ati’s face, forcing him to look up. “Follow me.” At knew _exactly_ what came after an order like that, and shuddered involuntarily, trying to take a step back. The man’s grip tightened and he laughed.

“Oh, don't act coy. You're going to enjoy it when I—”

“Take your hands of off Ati and leave?” a voice asked, and Ati saw the man start, eyes widening. A hand closed on the man’s wrist pulling him away from Ati, who hurriedly backed up.

“Leras?” the man asked. “But you—”

“I believe my title is _General,_ Captain.” Leras said, his voice like ice. “What, precisely, do you think you are doing?”

By this point, the man seemed to have regained some of his footing. Ati had taken the moment to move behind Leras, figuring that was the safest spot, and Leras’ eyes followed him, his gaze seeming to soften.

“ _General,_ even you can't fault me for having a little fun with a slave,” the Captain said, snorting and pulling himself up to his full height--a head taller than Leras, who seemed unimpressed. “I know you're _eccentric,_ but anyone you told would laugh you out of their office—and you wouldn't risk your reputation for a scrawny runt like him, no matter how cute.” He gestured towards Ati, grinning. “So what are you really worried about? Is he so good in bed that you want to keep him for yourself? That's quite selfish, _General Leras.”_ He made the title sound like a slur.

Ati’s eyes shot to Leras, searching for any sign that the man's words hit home. How safe was he, with the man? Was this all Leras building his trust, to shatter it worse later?

But all that happened was Leras’ pale eyes narrowing, lip curling in disgust as he looked at the other man.

“Captain Andal, you seem to be operating under a few incorrect assumptions.You pull me down to your level of exploitative debauchery, but that’s not what really concerns me here.  I am fully aware that attempting to bring this directly to a superior would be ineffective. I’m not going to have to do that, because you’re going to walk away without escalating this situation or _ever_ touching Ati again.”

Ati blinked, noticing that despite the fact that Leras was even shorter than he was, he seemed to loom over the man, making him back up a step through the amount of anger that drove his voice deeper. Ati had never, he realized, actually seen Leras angry. Was Leras actually...defending him? The thought was foreign and strange, like feeling silk after only ever knowing burlap. But it seemed to be the only conclusion, with the way Leras had positioned himself between Ati and the other man, the way Leras had looked Ati over as if to make sure he was alright--Ati blinked, confused.

“And are you going to make me?” Andal said, raising an eyebrow and looking down at Leras. “I know the Commander thinks you’re special, but you’re nothing on the duelling ground against me.”

Leras shrugged one shoulder, unconcerned.

“I’m not going to _make_ you. That’s far too obvious. No, if you continue this horrific behavior or ever touch Ati again, I’m going to change my battle tactics.”

“What?” Andal blinked, clearly confused, and Leras _smiled._ It wasn’t the smile that Ati was used to, a half-twist of the mouth paired with wrinkles around Leras’ bright eyes; instead, it was a cold, hard grin.

“Not only are you disgusting and lecherous, you’re also oblivious.” Leras said, his voice still tense with anger. “Did you think it was a coincidence that every time you charged haphazardly into battle and ignored the stated plan, _I_ was there to help clean up the mess you made? How many times would your men have been slaughtered if I hadn’t rewrote plans last minute to put you into an area of the battlefield where you could do the least damage? What would happen if I...stopped?”

“I can handle myself on the field!” Andal snapped, and Leras actually laughed.

“In five of the last ten battles we fought in, Captain Andal, your men would have taken sixty to eighty percent casualties if I hadn’t reorganized the field. If you’d lived, it would have been a disgrace, and you would have been sent home to the Citadel as a failure.” Leras’ tone was completely even, and Ati could tell that he wasn’t bluffing. “You guarding the pass wasn’t an accident. You being stationed at the most defensible part of the plains? Not an accident either. And don’t think I did this for you. I don’t want to take part in an incompetent army, and thus I arranged things so that our weakest link--you--couldn’t do significant damage to the actually capable troops.”

“You--”

“I’m _not finished, Captain.”_ Leras snapped, one hand of his slicing downward and cutting the other man’s speech off. Andal took another step back, hand falling to his sword.

“As I said, you are the weakest link of our army, and it’s no secret that the only reason you have a command is because of your grandfather. I’m starting to think that it would be better if you were just removed, and what better way to do that then simply to stop intervening and let you get yourself either murdered or disgraced? Our army loses its main weakness, your uncle the Commander no longer has to deal with your whinging when he’s supposed to be working, and…” Leras’ smile disappeared, “you will never be in a position where you could hurt Ati again. Unless you leave, immediately, I’ll make up my mind.”

“And if I go to the Commander--”

Leras snorted again. “Like he would believe you over me. You said it yourself. He thinks I’m special. I’m the best tactician this army has. You’re a massive liability he puts up with because you’re the spawn of his brother. I’ve been the deciding factor in ten battles in the last year. And, you make a habit of going to him with minor grudges. Which of us will have more credibility?”

Leras paused, looking the man over once. “Keep all of that in mind. And if you do force a duel, I will be more than willing to accommodate you--although I doubt that will help your standing. What will you say? ‘I challenged the army’s only tactician to a live or death duel because he told me off for molesting someone?’ That will certainly make you seem like reliable, stable asset. Perhaps then I won’t even have to start rewriting battle plans to let your incompetence shine--you will have done it yourself.”

“Leras, you _wouldn’t--”_

“It’s _General_ Leras,” Leras corrected, turning away from the other man. When he saw Ati, his eyes softened again. Then he turned his head enough to finish speaking. “And yes, I would. I’m _eccentric,_ aren’t I? I get mad when people hurt my friends, so consider that before you try and tell me what I would or would not do. Captain, you are dismissed.”

Without even looking back, Leras started walking out of the courtyard, and Ati hurried to follow him, more shaken by Leras’ defense than he was by Andal’s actions. _Why did Leras do that? Why did he care?_

The moment they left the courtyard, the door swinging shut behind them, Leras stopped, sighing and running a hand through his hair as he slumped against a wall.

“Ati, I--I’m so sorry, I should have warned you about him. Andal is an asshole and a disgrace and he’s had it in for me for years--I should have realized that you’d get dragged into this and warned you about it. That should have scared him away from ever trying anything like that again, but…”

“Why?” Ati managed to ask, at last. Leras looked up at him, brow furrowing in confusion. “Why did you do that?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Leras responded. “I know Andal thinks he can get away with any behavior, no matter how atrocious, because he’s the son of the crown prince, but that’s not right and _I’m_ not willing to let things like this slide. Especially not when it involves my friends.”

 _Friends?_ Ati blinked. Was that what they were, now? It wasn’t the first time Leras had called him that, either--he’d said something like it to Andal in the argument. That threw Ati for a loop, so much so that he almost didn’t register the other thing that Leras had said.

“Wait--you just threatened the _son of the Crown Prince?’_ Ati stared at Leras, who shrugged, looking away.

“He had it coming.”

“ _Leras--”_ Ati said, and Leras raised one eyebrow, smiling at him.


	2. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of the most self-indulgent things I've ever written. Set a ways further in the timeline, but still before these two actually get together. Also I swear we'll get genuine, non hurt-comfort fluff in here eventually...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: dysphoria mentioned, also includes one of the worst ways to come out to someone ever and a panic attack. 
> 
> Leras' dysphoria is also modeled on my own to a degree so I'm not sure how well it ended up conveyed in the text. Also, Leras coming out to someone has not ended well for him in the past...

Leras sighed, pulling his shirt over his head and trying to think about what the next day had in store. It was easier, he’d realized a long time ago, if he just went through the motions of changing while he was planning something. It kept his mind from wandering, from focusing too hard on the details of his body that made him want to scream, or cry or try to scratch his own skin off to escape it.

He’d tried all of those options, and none of them had helped, so now he just tried to ignore it. Instead he thought forward, to what the next days would have in store as he continued moving. There would be a meeting of the generals, but that was only going to be a basic debriefing and Leras already knew what it would say--the army would camp out here for a while, waiting to send the wounded back for care and for more supplies and reinforcements to come up the river.

That left him with a few other things he had to do, he thought, running a hand through his clipped-short, dark hair and sparing a slight look for his chest bindings. He’d need to find new material eventually, particularly if he got into any bloody battles, but he should be fine for the moment. Back to better thoughts, then. He hunted through his clothes for a new pair of breeches, thinking while he did about other tasks he had. There was Ati, of course, although Ati wasn’t a _task._ His reading lessons were, slightly, but they were too enjoyable for Leras to mind their incursion into his time. Ati was also an incredibly fast learner for someone who had initially insisted that teaching a slave to read was a useless waste of time.

Not that Ati was a slave anymore, either. Leras smiled, remembering Ati’s reaction to the paperwork _finally_ going through to give him his freedom. And then...Ati said he would stay with Leras.

Leras’ smile didn’t precisely fall, but it softened as he remembered that. He still didn’t understand why Ati would have stayed-- Ati had given justifications, but Leras could tell they weren’t the full truth. Well, in the end, he wasn’t going to pry--Ati staying with him was one of the best things that had happened to him in years. The reasons were less important, he told himself.

He sighed, pulling his thoughts away from there as well. Thinking too long about Ati was also...dangerous, although for different reasons. _Leras, give up. You know how this ends._ It wasn’t as if there was any chance of Leras’ feelings on the matter going anywhere.

Shaking his head, he bent down to find another shirt, one that didn’t have bloodstains on it. Perhaps it was the fact that he was still trying to cast around for something to think about, or perhaps living with someone else had now become second nature, easily dismissed, but he missed the footsteps growing louder until Ati, with what was becoming characteristic abandon, pushed the door open.

“Hey, Leras--” He paused. “Leras?”

Leras had frozen, one hand curling into a fist, nails biting into his palm as suddenly, his own breathing became very loud in his ears. For a moment he almost hoped that Ati wouldn’t notice, but there was no way not to notice a very obvious set of bindings across someone’s chest. Or what they were going to be concealing.

“Ati,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady and wincing when it cracked regardless of his efforts.

“Are you okay--” Ati started, stepping toward him, and Leras looked away, unable to meet his eyes. He knew what Ati would assume--Ati would assume that he’d been lying.

And on some level, wasn’t that true? Leras wasn’t the person Ati thought he was.

“Leave,” he managed to say, his voice barely above a whisper. “Ati, _please--”_

He didn’t watch Ati go, but he heard footsteps and the door closing. The moment he was sure that Ati was gone, he let his legs give out, sending him to the floor, pulling on the shirt he’d found so that if he was going to freak out, he could do it without setting himself off further.

_Of all people, why did it have to be him?_ If there was one person Leras didn’t want to know about his... _problem,_ it was Ati. He pulled his legs in close, trying to control his breathing. He knew how this went--if he got that, he could move from there, but if he couldn’t control his breathing he could fix the other problems, like the fact that his hands were shaking, or that he was crying.

This was ridiculous. He was a general, the army’s foremost tactician. One person’s opinion shouldn’t matter to him this much. He knew himself--that had always been enough. Why wasn’t it, now? He tried to breathe evenly, but they all caught in his throat and he felt like he was drowning. He tried to move past the horrifying thought that _Ati knew,_ but there was nothing past it--where usually there were plans, ways to move forward, to mitigate damage, there was only a vast expanse, like the end of the world.

“Leras?” A voice asked, some time later. _Ati._ He had left, Leras knew, but how long ago had that been? He wasn’t sure. He was torn between the urge to curl up further, uselessly protecting himself, and to stand up, pretending nothing was wrong equally futilely. Instead of either, he froze, not moving.

There were footsteps moving toward him, he knew, but he couldn’t seem to move. _Leras, you have to get up, Ati’s never seen you like this before, you’re supposed to be the strong one--_

But what did that matter, now? Leras looked down, not wanting to look at Ati still. That was it, then.

“Are you alright?'

_Of course not,_ Leras thought, regretting it immediately. He couldn’t _afford_ not to be okay. Especially not here-- _don’t be emotional, that will make this worse, he’ll assume--_

A warm arm slid around Leras shoulders, startling his eyes into opening. He looked over at Ati, recognizing something in the other man’s posture, the concern in his eyes. It was the same position that Leras had taken, those times that Ati himself had been curled in the fetal position, shaking.

Somehow, this jarred Leras' brain into working, and he managed to uncurl slightly, irritably swiping at his eyes and hating the fact that he’d been crying in the first place. He looked over at Ati, seeing the confusion on the other man’s face.

He looked away, again. Of course, at this point he owed Ati an explanation, but he wasn’t sure he could look at Ati while he spoke. He would lose his nerve.

“Ati, I’m...not who you think I am.” He paused, looking down,the arm wrapped around his chest tightening. “Obviously.”

There was a pause, but Ati’s arm didn’t let up it’s comforting pressure on his shoulder, and some part of Leras was grateful. Almost against his will, he was relaxing, calmer than he should be.

“I don’t think so,” Ati said after a moment, and Leras blinked, looking over at him. Ati was looking at him and like always, his bright blue eyes gave Leras butterflies, which Leras tried to stomp out. “Leras...you’re still the man that saved me. This doesn’t change that.”

_What._

Leras blinked at Ati, uncomprehending but some part of his heart growing lighter with each word Ati said. Ati seemed to get some of his confusion, because he sighed and looked away, awkwardly pulling Leras closer with one arm.

“Look. Leras--I don’t care. I don’t care! You’re Leras. You probably saved my life. You _set me free._ And you’re a guy, named Leras--right?”

Leras blinked again, before inhaling, realizing as he did that his breathing had levelled out again.

“Yes. That’s me--I didn’t lie to you.”

Ati smiled, the one that gave him dimples and made it hard for Leras to breathe--but in a much better way than previously, when his breaths were all choked and caught. This time, it was as if he was holding it, as if even exhaling would shatter this moment and end it.

“Of course you didn’t.” Ati said, and Leras realized he’d been staring at Ati for..a while.

Somehow, that didn’t bother him as much as it had before. There was a pause, for a moment, and then Ati pulled Leras closer again, and Leras let himself relax against the other man, chin on his shoulder, feeling Ati’s curling hair tickling the side of his face  and unashamedly holding onto him.

Nobody had ever accepted that he wasn’t lying before, he thought, his eyes sliding shut as one of Ati’s hands slid in slow circles on his back.

And then his eyes opened suddenly as a realization hit him, perhaps even more world-shattering than Ati’s acceptance.

_I’ve been in love with him for a while, haven’t I?_


	3. Spring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here is that actual fluff that I promised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings this time, just cuteness.

“Ati?” Leras asked, pushing the door open. The room was silent, other than the rustle of a tree shifting in the wind outside. Sunlight poured in from the open window, draping itself across Leras’ desk and the figure slumped over on it. When the sunlight caught Ati’s hair at the right angle, the red curls glowed, bright as flames; Leras had noticed that first over a year ago, but every time he saw it some part of him was still captivated. 

He made his way across the room as quietly as he could, and as he got closer, his suspicions were confirmed; Ati was asleep, his head and arms sprawled across the papers that littered the desk. Curious, Leras leaned closer, seeing a pen a ways away from Ati’s relaxed hand. 

The drawings were loose sketches, and mostly obscured by Ati, but he could catch the edge of things here and there; the tree outside their window, a river somewhere Leras didn’t recognize and Ati may have created on his own. Further down, there were pictures of people, but most of those were covered as well. 

Ati shifted in his chair slightly, and Leras noticed that the other man was in a light shirt; it was only early spring, and with the open window so close, he had to be cold. For a second, Leras contemplated waking Ati up, but overrode himself almost immediately, instead heading out of the room and down the hall to Leras’ own room, pulling a blanket off the bed and folding it up as he walked back, glad he had his boots off so that his footsteps were as quiet as they could be. 

Ati was usually a very light sleeper, but he was still out when Leras returned, his head tilted to the side slightly to rest on one arm. Leras noticed the shadows under Ati’s eyes and realized that he was probably exhausted; well, that explained the nap in the middle of the day and the unusually sound sleeping. At the same time, though, it twisted at Leras’ chest with guilt. 

_ I’ve been up really late these past nights,  _ he thought, running a hand haphazardly through his hair. It wasn’t really something he could control--he needed to finish these plans before the end of the week so that the Commander had enough time to brief the rest of the generals on them, and if that meant a few sleepless nights for him, well, that was what it did. He’d thought he wasn’t keeping Ati up, but…

He blinked, brushing the thoughts away to be dealt with and worried over later, and instead carefully moved to drape the blanket over Ati, before leaning over to try to pull the (very old and irritatingly creaky) window shut as slowly as he could. 

“Leras?” A quiet voice asked, and Leras startled, his knee hitting the second chair at his desk with a loud  _ thunk.  _ He looked down, seeing a pair of decidedly sleepy blue eyes blinking up at him. 

“Sorry,” Leras said, wincing more at the sound than the sensation. “I didn’t mean to wake you--you just looked cold.” 

Ati blinked, looking at the blanket that was around him and then pulling it closer, as if he’d just noticed it. After a moment, he smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling up with it, and Leras almost felt like he’d been wrapped in a blanket of his own--it made him feel so  _ warm.  _

“Thanks,” Ati said, his voice still quiet and Leras looked away, shrugging. 

“No problem. I didn’t mean to wake you up--I’ll go, or--"

“Wait,” Ati interrupted him, reaching for his arm, and Leras paused. 

So did Ati for a moment, tentatively pulling his hand back, and for a moment Leras thought he was going to say  _ never mind  _ or  _ it’s fine  _ but instead he inhaled and asked, “Stay?” 

Leras blinked, taken aback, and Ati apparently took this as some sort of question because he started talking again, very fast. 

“It’s just--you’re warm, and it’s nice here in the sun and the blanket is nice as well but not as nice as, well--” 

“Me?” Leras asked, and Ati shrugged. 

“Yeah.” He was looking down, but looked up again when Leras pulled out the other chair--usually used when the pair of them were bent over a book or a piece of paper or both, Ati learning to read leaps and bounds that constantly surprised Leras--and sat in it, pulling the edge of the blanket around himself as well. 

There was a moment of stillness, Leras unsure of what to do, but then Ati leaned into his side, pulling his legs up on the chair to curl up against Leras, a compact ball of angles and elbows and warmth. Carefully, using the justification that Ati might fall, perched as precariously as he was, Leras wrapped an arm around him, pulling him closer to Leras’ side. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'd say I wasn't listening to Disney romance songs at least part of the time while writing this but that would be a lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings, just guys kissing.

Ati paced back and forth, too much nervous energy thrumming through his body to let him sit still, his hands worrying at the hem of his shirt. Leras had been gone for two and a half days--a day more than this battle was supposed to last. And it wasn’t like most of the battles, where Ati at least had the consolation of knowing that Leras was near the back of the field, directing the army what to do next. 

No,  _ now  _ of all times he decided to move to the front of the field, because the  _ king  _ or someone was riding out and the most skilled warriors--the generals--were supposed to accompany him because of some  _ bullshit  _ tradition. Leras wasn’t even a skilled warrior! Well, he was, but not  _ that  _ skilled.  He was a  _ tactician.  _ He  _ planned  _ fights, he didn’t  _ do  _ them. Ati could see it, Leras dropping to the field with some wound, a sword or axe or arrow hitting him, cutting his life off, blood  _ everywhere-- _

“Stop it,” He hissed to himself. That wasn’t going to happen. Leras had promised that he would come back. 

_ Like that ever stopped anyone before,  _ Ati thought, every second increasing the anxiety that gnawed away at his gut. When he heard heavy footsteps, he turned on reflex--and then he heard the voice. 

“Yes, I  _ know,  _ I’ll deal with that tomorrow. Tell Kyren that he needs to set up a guard shift  _ competently.  _ Now, I’m going to actually  _ rest,  _ and tomorrow we can deal with everything else. Understood?”  Another, less important voice muttered a response, but Ati just stared at the door, eyes wide.  _ Is-- _

The door was pushed open, and a familiar small form moved through it, irritably brushing his hair out of his face, pulling the door closed behind him with an arm that was also holding a helmet that seemed ready to fall at any moment. 

“I cannot  _ believe--”  _ Leras cut himself off as he looked up and met Ati’s eyes. 

There was a moment of silence, Ati just staring at the other man. Clearly, the fight had been as bad as Leras expected--the armor that the other man was still wearing was a mess, and Leras had a bandage along one cheek and some grime of some sort on his face, and he looked exhausted. 

Ati was completely in love with him. 

“Ati,” Leras said, smiling in a way that made the corners of his eyes crinkle. “Sorry I was gone so long--” 

That was as far as he got before Ati made it across the room, throwing his arms around the other man’s neck and kissing him. 

Leras’ helmet clanged to the ground, the sound bringing Ati to his senses--what the  _ hell  _ was he doing? But as soon as that thought hit him, Leras’ arms were around him, support and affirmation all in one and Leras--Leras was kissing him back, warm and soft and Ati felt like his heart was going to escape from out of his chest. 

One of Leras’ hands was in Ati’s hair, and Ati just kept his arms around Leras’ neck because letting go seemed impossible and why would he ever  _ want  _ to, he thought as his mouth slid open, the kiss deepening and it sinking in that Leras was  _ back,  _ he was alright and he came back--

After a moment, Ati pulled away for air, stepping back as exactly what just happened hit him. Leras also seemed to have a problem dealing with it, and Ati had never seen Leras turn quite that shade of red before, or look so utterly flustered. 

“Ati--I--” Leras actually stuttered, before looking away. “I’ll--excuse me?” Somehow, it came off as a question, but either way Leras hurried into his room, the door shutting behind him and leaving Ati standing in the center of the room with the distinct memory of Leras’ lips against his, wondering what the hell just happened. 

* * *

 

On the other side of the door, Leras leaned against the wall, one hand held to his mouth as he tried to process that. First, there had been the look on Ati’s face when he’d seen Leras--something so warm and relieved that it had frozen Leras in place for a moment. And then--and  _ then-- _

“He kissed me,” Leras whispered, muffled against his glove.  _ Right,  _ he was still in his battle gear. Take that off first, his mind supplied. Figure this out later. 

That was good. He did better when he had something practical to do, tasks to achieve. Carefully, he started undoing buckles, moving because thinking was easier that way. As the last of his armor fell away and he started hunting for clean clothes, he went over what happened again. 

Ati had kissed him. He’d looked at Leras like Leras was the most precious thing in the world, then kissed him. And, well, that seemed to be a pretty clear sign that Ati returned his feelings--even Leras had to admit that. 

_ How? Why?  _ Leras frowned, pushing his hair out of his face again. He’d need to bathe, sooner rather than later, and change the bandages on his cheek--but this was probably something to deal with first. As confused as he was, he wasn’t going to leave Ati waiting for his reaction for however that would take.  So instead he just pulled on a clean shirt and set of breeches and headed back into the central room, hoping that Ati was still there. He was, sitting in a chair this time, legs pulled into his chest as he looked out at the center of the room. When he heard Leras come in, he scrambled upright, looking at him worriedly. 

“Leras, I--I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have--” 

“What?” Leras asked, blinking before raising both of his hands to ward off any further apologies. “Wait, Ati, no--don’t. Be sorry, I mean.” He paused, taking a breath and trying to reorganize the words that came out of his mouth. “Don’t be sorry. I--” 

Even now, the words didn’t come easily to him, and he looked down for a second, frustrated at his own limits,before moving across the room so he was near Ati, looking the other man in the eyes. Ati looked as uncertain as Leras was, which gave him some confidence. 

“Can I?” He asked, quietly, and despite his bad wording Ati seemed to understand what he meant because his eyes widened, slightly, and he nodded. 

Leras moved forward and kissed Ati, this time deliberately, trying to find a way of saying everything that he couldn’t say out loud yet. Now, with his armor off, Leras could feel the warmth of Ati up against him, could appreciate how soft Ati’s hair was and his eyes slid closed as Ati pulled him closer, and Leras thought helplessly  _ I love you, I love you so much.  _

And somehow, Ati seemed to understand because when Leras moved back, Ati smiled uncertainly up at him, hands moving to take Leras’. 

“You, too?” Ati asked, smiling somewhat ruefully. Leras could feel himself flush and he fought the urge to look away to try to hide it. 

“Yes,” he said in response, pulling Ati close again, into his arms. Ati seemed to be more than alright with this, humming contentedly and wrapping his arms around Leras’ waist as Leras relaxed more than he had in days, the exhaustion of battle and stress sliding away, replaced with quiet.


	5. Mist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now we switch to post-Shard stories, set at KU from the cosmere RP (why are they still alive if Sazed is Harmony and we're post-the Original Trilogy? Because reasons. Reasons is why.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Mentions of dissociation. 
> 
> Preservation can mess you up just as much as Ruin.

For a while, he pretends that it didn’t change him. It’s not convincing; not to anybody else, and especially not to himself. But he’s always been good at pretending to be something he’s not--he spent his childhood pretending to be the daughter his parents wanted until he couldn’t take it, he spent his time in the army pretending to be omniscient to the point where, when he actually got precognition, he knew what to do with it. He spent years pretending to be strong, pretending to know what he was doing, pretending that he’d never faltered, never fallen, never been afraid. 

So he pretends that everything is normal. He takes deep breaths and does everything he can to ignore the itch in the back of his mind, the feeling that something’s wrong, that he’s overlooking something he can’t afford to ignore. 

It’s not obvious, not in the way he remembers Ruin changing Ati. It’s insidious, though. 

For all that he was a general, he was never a violent person, so it takes him a long time to notice even the most obvious sign. He still did get angry, though, and the first time he managed to become so infuriated that he wanted to hurt another person (Aona, talking about Rayse, talking about the way that he gloated before shattering her shard, the way he said she wasn’t the first, wouldn’t be the last, knowing that Skai was  _ right there)  _ he was stunned by a sudden wave of nausea, making him clap a hand to his mouth to avoid being sick right there, tears stinging his eyes from the sudden pain and the acid in his throat. He doesn’t even get to a restroom, isn’t sure how he makes it to the trash can, and Ati rubs his back with all the gentleness even Ruin couldn’t steal from him. 

It’s not just the suddenness that leaves him shaking and close to tears, he realizes later. It’s the fact that somehow, something about him has changed in a way that he can’t control or mitigate. There’s nothing he hates less than being powerless--and this time the thing he is powerless over is his own body. It’s a position he thought he’d left behind forever. He tells this to Ati, even later as they’re curled up in bed on one of the nights that’s bad for both of them, and Ati holds him as he cries.

And then there are the smaller signs. The way that he finds himself sitting in place for hours, mindlessly repeating the same tune on the piano over and over again. The way that sometimes, in the middle of the night, he wakes up and goes to the window, feels himself relaxing as he watches the world, still and silent, and then when Ati wakes realizes he’s been there all night, unmoving, and his legs ache and his head hurts and he still can’t stop himself from doing it again, just to see those moments of perfect stillness. It’s the way that he meticulously saves everything, even things that don’t have any worth, old notes and papers that he’s stacked into meticulous piles and doesn’t even notice take up the entire room, covering desks and shelves and even the floor. The way that he would, if left to his own devices, never get out of bed in the morning, never move to make meals, never think to go to sleep at night.

He catches himself doing these things, but he can’t stop himself, and that’s the small betrayal that hurts the most. 

If he told anybody else that every day, Ati saves him, they wouldn’t believe him. It’s true, though. It’s not dramatic, and Leras isn’t sure if Ati knows he’s doing it. Salvation isn’t always a dramatic re-ordering of the world or the ascension of a god. 

Sometimes, salvation is a pair of arms sliding around his waist to interrupt his piano playing with kisses and cheesy innuendo. It’s a grumpy voice from the bed telling him to come back, he’s warm and a good pillow, and a hand pulling him down onto the sheets if he’s too far gone to hear. It’s a cup of coffee in the morning when he’s exhausted and an offer of a massage (that Leras is fully aware will get out of hand) for his sore muscles. It’s the decision that yes, that pile of meaningless papers would make great firestarter, as would most of the others in the room. It’s a smile in the morning that means trouble, which means that Leras has to get up otherwise by noon the campus will probably be in flames; it’s the impulsive decision to try to improvise a food recipie that ends up either burnt or delicious and needs to be eaten anyway; it’s Ati pulling him into bed, a grin on his face very similar to the one that started the day.   
  
At night when Ati is asleep, quiet for once other than his breathing, Leras holds him close, presses a kiss to his forehead, and whispers “thank you.” 


	6. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shards can really mess you up, ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No real warnings, other than mentions of what Ati did as Ruin.

There is a second--perhaps even less, really--when Leras isn’t sure why he’s woken up. The clock by the bed says it’s three in the morning, and the night is quiet and still--and then he hears it, a faint gasp from right next to him, too soft to even be a sob. 

_ Oh.  _

Leras rolls over immediately, pulling the other man into his arms. Ati is shaking, still asleep, in the middle of some nightmare but when Leras’ arm settles around him he makes another low sobbing noise, curling into Leras’ side, a hand grabbing at Leras’ shirt to pull him closer. Leras obliges, shifting so that he can hold Ati close with one arm and carding through his hair with his other hand, something that usually soothes him. 

Not that much can ever soothe Ati on nights like this, Leras knows, but it makes him feel better to try. He’s tried waking Ati up before, never with much luck--if anything, it just seemed to make the dreams worse. He settles for holding Ati in his arms, stroking his hair and trying to provide any small amount of comfort he can. 

This happens...well, it happens often. Leras likes to think that the bad nights are getting less frequent, but he knows he’s lying to himself. This isn’t the kind of thing that “gets better”--or, if it did, it would be the work of centuries, not years. He’s never asked Ati what he sees on nights like this--he’s never had to, they both know. Instead, all he does is pull Ati close, feeling Ati grab onto him, holding one of his arms so tight Leras is afraid he’ll bruise. Not that Leras would mind--a bruise was a small price to pay for giving Ati comfort--but he knew that if Ati knew that he hurt Leras, he would insist that Leras stop doing this. 

Leras wasn’t in the mood for that fight, so he shifted slightly to change where the pressure was falling and pulled Ati close again, starting to hum under his breath. He can’t think of a solid tune to use, but it doesn’t matter because he doubts he could carry it--his voice would catch, the tears that he was already trying to fight back would ruin the song and it would only upset Ati more if Leras was crying. 

So Leras presses his lips to Ati’s forehead and hums something he hopes is soothing, feeling the moment when Ati stops making the small, horrified gasps that begin his nightmares and transitions into mute silence, tears starting to seep out from under his closed eyelids. It’s eerie; the rest of the day and night Ati is the loudest person that Leras knows, but here and now even his sobs are silent. Leras does his best to fill the silence with the faint, weak sound that he can manage, blinking away his own tears and holding Ati close. 

He can tell when Ati wakes up, as well, because there’s a harsh gasping noise like someone breaking into fresh air after far too long underwater. Leras doesn’t say anything, just presses another kiss to Ati’s forehead and holds him close, hoping that that helps. After a moment, Ati manages a choked sentence. 

_ “How can you love me?”  _

The words hit Leras like a knife to his chest, gouging open an old wound, and drove the air from his lungs in a long, ragged sigh. 

“Ati--” 

_ “How?”  _ Ati demanded, pushing away--not far, not out of Leras’ arms, that was a good sign--enough that he could look Leras in the eyes. His blue eyes were overbright, he was still crying and Leras wanted to protect him from  _ everything.  _

Of course, there was no way to protect him from his own memories, from the things he had done in the past, and Leras was hit again by his own powerlessness. He closed his eyes, blinking back his own tears again, before looking at Ati. 

“Of course I love you,” he said quietly, and when Ati opened his mouth to protest Leras leaned down to kiss him, Ati leaning into it despite his words. “Ati--I’m not going to blame you for what Ruin did to you. What Ruin made you do. I’m--” 

He broke off, unsure even after all this time to answer this. What Ruin did was reprehensible. He couldn’t deny that. Ruin had left its mark on Ati, and Leras couldn’t deny that either. 

“Ati.” He sighed, making sure the other man was still looking at him. “Ati, if you were the same person that Ruin made you, you wouldn’t wake up in tears. You wouldn’t ask that question. You’re still the same man I fell in love with before any of that happened, and I’m not going to leave.” 

Ati looked at him again, as if weighing the truth of each of his words, and then nodded once, wordlessly, before pulling himself closer to Leras again. Somehow, Leras managed to catch the words he mumbled into Leras’ shoulder. 

“You should, though.” 

Leras sighed, kissing the top of Ati’s head--the only part he can comfortably reach. 

“I don’t care, Ati. I’m not going anywhere.” 

He can tell it’s the right response--the honest response usually is--because Ati’s grip on him tightens, and he hears Ati try to take deeper breaths, to calm himself down. 

Leras will never be used to this, he thinks as he starts tracing the lines of the tattoo on Ati’s back, watching the shadows play across the opposite wall, feeling Ati slowly begin to relax. He’ll never be used to the vulnerability of Ati in these nights, the way that Leras cannot protect him from his own nightmares or deny the truth of what he did. At moments like this  Leras feels powerless, Ati small in his arms and the powers they used to hold so immeasurably vast and terrible.

He shuts his eyes against the tears that threaten to overtake him, breathing deeply. He can’t cry, not now, not when Ati was just calming down. His hand stills for a moment, then continues on its path as Ati’s grip relaxes slightly. 

“I love you,” Ati whispers, and Leras’ control breaks. His sobs are quiet, gasping things in the dark room, and he can feel Ati shift, moving so he can touch Leras’ face, try to wipe away some of the tears as he started talking again.  “I’m sorry, Leras, I’m so sorry--” 

“‘s not you,” Leras managed somehow, trying to take a breath that didn’t immediately shudder and vanish in his chest. “Ati--” he hates this, that now Ati is trying to comfort him when Ati was the one who still had horrible nightmares twice a week. 

Ati waits, though, until Leras is coherent again, his hands gentle on Leras’ face _. How can he not see how different he is from Ruin,  _ Leras wonders as he manages to get his breathing back under control. 

He would like nothing more than to pretend that his control had never slipped, but then he looks down into Ati’s blue eyes--worried, frightened--and knows he can’t do that. He sighs again, rubbing his eyes with one hand. 

“I hate these nights,” he said, quietly. “I wish I could do more to help you, but I can’t, and I hate that. I wish you didn’t have to go through this.” 

Ati looks down for a moment as Leras’ hand drops, tracing Ati’s tattoo again. It’s a calming motion, Leras has noticed, for both of them. 

“You hold me,” Ati said, after a moment. “That’s enough.” 

“No, it’s not.” Leras sighed, but he pulled Ati closer anyway. Ati’s eyes slid shut as he exhaled, breath still shaky. Silence stretches out and Leras finds himself watching the shadows again, the tree outside their window being blown by the wind. After so long on Scadrial, moonlight is strange. 

“It’s more than anyone else could do,” Ati counters, just when Leras thinks he isn’t going to speak again. His voice is quiet but calm, now. “Leras?” 

“Yes?” Leras asks. 

“Sing to me?” The request is quiet, trapped in the small spaces between their bodies, and Leras smiles a weak smile. 

“Of course.” 


	7. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arguments still happen, of course, and sometimes they get out of hand. Especially when both people's defense mechanism has turned into "revert into the behavior impressed on your personality by over a thousand years of being a Shard." 
> 
> It usually ends alright, though. 
> 
> Also, Ati is scared of thunderstorms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Mention of dissociation
> 
> (Evie is an OC character in the Cosmere RP; she and Ati are friends)

Leras heard the door slam as though there was a layer of water between him and it; the noise settled for a moment and was gone, leaving him with only the sound of his breathing in the silent house. It was loud, louder than it should be, pressing against his ears, he could feel his hands shake with it but all of that was distant, and that was as it should be, right? 

It was so familiar. He was far away from his body; he could notice things about it--too tense too tight an ache in his throat pressing up against him--but they were so far away he only noted them down with vague, detached interest, as if he was watching another person. Again he thought of being underwater, the way that when it closed above you suddenly there was a silvery film between you and everything on the surface, the way suddenly you were weightless and all noise was muted, muffled except for the sound of the water itself. 

And you could, of course, swim upward, break out of it, but up there there was fury and betrayal and an expression he knew only too well on Ati’s face; there was the slamming door and the empty house and time ticking onward, onward as the consequences of Leras’ mistakes spun forward and forward, never stopping--

And it was so much easier to sink downward. To let himself unravel into nothing, into less than nothing, to stop moving forward and just hold still…

* * *

 

When Ati came back to himself, he was by the lake. It was cold--the wind, harsh and wet, made him think of mist before he could help himself, and he wrapped his arms around his torso, the chill cutting straight through the cheap hoodie he was wearing, straight to his bones. He looked up from the sidewalk in front of the bench he’s sitting on, at the grey water of the lake, watching the wind sweep across it in sheets, cold air cutting downward and sending waves scudding to the shores but never breaking the surface.

His hands were tight, fists holding on to his sleeves in a weird, lonely parody of a hug; holding them  this tight stopped them from shaking. He couldn't remember what it had been about, originally; whatever it was had gotten out of hand, and then--  
  
The worst thing was he could always remember, when he tried, the exact way he changed, the exact way his view of the world shifted; it’s like a new lens was put over his eyes and the world that used to be familiar was strange and disconcerting. He could remember the moment he tried to be cutting instead of just trying to argue; the moment it was more about hurting Leras than about the argument itself. 

He could remember that moment and the moment right after that, when he saw Leras retreating inward, seeing the distance in Leras’ eyes grow further and further; guilt twisted in him before bubbling up into anger, at Leras for being so untouchable for being so distant for the fact that everything else in the argument from him would be faint, dispassionate, all the emotive feeling of a rock or the lake in front of Ati; anger at himself, at the guilt, at the fact that it was Ati’s fault, always, that Leras retreated like this; the fact that even now, even here, he couldn’t stop himself from fucking up and losing it again. 

And of course the anger only made it easier to lash out, to go for every weak point he knew-- _ why should I listen to you, I remember where that got me  _ last  _ time, I know you’re lying, you’re always-- _ and at the end of it to storm out the door, with the full intent of never returning. 

The first raindrop Ati noticed rippled across the lake; it was quickly joined by another, and another, until the once-unbreakable surface was turbulent and shaking. The water plastered Ati’s curls to his forehead, soaked through the sleeves of his jacket, made his hands slide against them as they too became saturated. 

_ Of course,  _ he thought to himself, pulling his knees up onto the bench, hugging them to his chest, feeling the bite of cold water through his jeans as he does so. At this rate, everything would be drenched--he knew this, but if he got up, he had to face the question of where he was going to go next. 

He knew where he wanted to be. He wanted to be under two blankets, for there to be music on the piano in the background and a voice asking him to see how fast he could guess what this  _ next  _ tune is; or to be on the couch and curled into a warm side, watching some cheesy Disney movie that will end with them both crying-- 

He wanted to be  _ home.  _ His eyes were stinging, and he gave up trying not to cry; he pulled his hands in close in front of him, trapped them between his chest and his knees, ducked his head down to meet them. He could still see Leras’ face the moment  _ before  _ the stillness took over, the realization dawning as Ati yet again just mouthed the words that Ruin fed him, cut away at Leras for old grievances that hadn’t even been Leras’ fault. 

No, he couldn’t go back home--not to face that look again, not for Leras to pretend that everything was alright when it wasn’t or for the even worse alternative of Leras actually getting as angry at Ati as he deserved to be, to have finally realized that in the end he was better off with Ati gone. 

The first  _ crack  _ of thunder split the sky and Ati pulled his legs in closer, closed his eyes against the tears and the lightning that still made him want to hide under something, for there just to be someone there to hold him and tell him he’d be alright. He closed his eyes, and pulled his legs in, and hoped that the storm was over quickly. 

* * *

 

It was when thunder rang out and rain started hammering against the windowpanes that Leras emerged, limbs stiff from the amount of time he'd just been standing. He nearly fell, legs numb and weak from overuse, but he braced himself against the wall as something became very clear to him: he was still the only one in the house. It was  immediately obvious when Ati was home; there was noise, there was a pair of feet moving around upstairs, there was warmth, the comforting presence of someone else nearby. None of that was there; the house was cold and dark, and Leras could tell that he was absolutely alone. 

Worry immediately seized him in a vice grip: Ati wasn't home and there was a storm outside, what if it was bad, hell, what if it was a  _ highstorm,  _ it probably was; but even still,  _ Ati  _ was  alone in a  _ thunderstorm.  _

And Leras had no idea where he was. 

He reached out to Sazed on instinct before pulling back; he was busy, Leras didn't want to bother him and it wasn't certain he’d know where Ati was anyway. Instead, he texted Evie--not that he thought Ati would actually be at her house, no matter how much he _wanted_ __ Ati to be safe and warm at her house--and grabbed an umbrella and headed for the door. On his way out, he sent another text, this time to Ati, but he wasn't really expecting a response. 

An umbrella, it turned out, was vastly inadequate for the rain; he really should have expected that, but he wasn't going to waste time getting a raincoat  _ now, _ when he was already halfway soaked. He headed pretty much in a straight line from the door, because he knew how Ati thought, and--more importantly, perhaps--the precise way that Ati _didn't_ __ think when he was angry. He just went forward, not really caring about what was in his way, and so Leras headed forward onto campus. 

He did all of this on something close to autopilot, background noise to the panic in the back of his head like static, muffling even the rain in his ears. It wasn't the kind of distance he had earlier; while that had its own downsides (and God Beyond, did it ever) at least it didn't make him feel sick, or like if he stops moving he was never going to manage to start again. His one hand was tight around the somewhat useless umbrella, the cold locking his fingers in place. 

The lake was the closest part of campus to their house; as Leras got close to it, the visibility got worse, but that was also when he started to register something else--that there was another person, somewhere in the area. 

He didn’t always  _ like  _ the strange echos of Preservation left in him, but this particular one was incredibly useful. It was muted--compared to what it used to be, it felt like someone had shoved earplugs in his ears, and he was stuck with the faint impressions of where noise was if he concentrated--but for things like this, that was enough. He followed it, curving around the path that skirted the lake until he could hear something quiet, just audible under the rain. 

It took him a moment to even notice where the sound was coming from--and then he saw the bench, one of many around the lake, had a very familiar small figure curled up on it, shaking slightly. Thunder boomed out above them and Ati visibly flinched, apparently not even hearing Leras as the other man approached. 

“Ati?” Leras said, trying to make himself heard over the rain although his throat was tight from disuse. His voice cracked, and he winced; but Ati’s head came up and he looked over at Leras, eyes red-rimmed from tears. 

Always, after these fights, Leras worried--he worried he was the last person Ati would want to see, he was worried that Ati still blamed him for everything he’d done (and it didn’t help that every time, there was the Well, there was the fact that in the end Ati hadn’t been the one to break their trust)--and so he was hesitant, standing back, unsure of what to do or say in order to fix this. 

“Leras?” Ati asked, and Leras couldn’t stop himself from moving forward now, offering a hand to Ati. 

“Come home,” he said, trying and failing to stop his desperation from leaking into his voice, cracking it and making him aware of the fact that he was probably crying. “Ati, please--” 

There was a moment with only the sound of the rain and Ati’s eyes on his, and then, with what seemed like a lot of effort, Ati uncurled himself, knees coming down, and he took Leras’ hand. His fingers were freezing with the rain and the wind; Leras curled his own around them, trying to give as much warmth as he could. 

He pulled Ati up into a hug, the umbrella dropping to the side as he held Ati close, feeling the other man shake against him with either cold or tears or--probably--both. 

“I’m sorry,” He said, still holding on to Ati’s hand. “I should have come sooner--”   
  
Ati’s response was muffled, but it sounded like “Not your fault,” and Leras pulled him closer. Thunder cracked out again and Ati stiffened, free hand grabbing on to Leras’ shirt and his grip on Leras’ hand becoming almost too tight. Leras didn't mind--he wanted nothing else, right now, than to cling to Ati as well--but the wind was cold and the thunderstorm was only getting worse. 

They needed to talk--but that didn't have to happen here, certainly, and Ati was shivering so much that Leras was starting to really worry about exactly how long it had been between the storm starting and him pulling himself together to find Ati. 

“Let’s get home, okay?” He asked, and could feel Ati nod from where his head was buried against Leras’ shoulder. Carefully, Leras wrapped an arm around Ati’s side, gave up using the umbrella as a lost cause, and started walking home. 

* * *

 

Ati was huddled in one of the kitchen chairs, covered in at least two towels and one blanket--he wasn't quite sure exactly what the warm things around him were, things had been a bit of a blur since he got back. He was still sniffling, either from tears or from the cold, and his hands were still too stiff to move easily, but the room is warm and he could hear Leras. 

Leras had asked if Ati wanted to be in the living room, or the bedroom, or somewhere more comfortable, but if Leras was going to be in the kitchen Ati wanted to be there as well. There was silence, other than Leras’ movements, for a while--

\--and then a cup of tea was pushed in front of Ati and Leras was sliding into the seat across from him. Leras also had a towel wrapped around his shoulders, and had also taken the time to change into dry clothes; Ati hadn’t felt like moving much. 

“Are you alright?” Leras asked, his voice still quiet. Ati shrugged. 

“I’m warm now,” he offered, and Leras smiled. It was understated, understanding--neither of them were ever really okay, after arguments like that. Which reminded Ati--

“I don’t blame you, you know.” He said. When Leras looked confused, he continued. “I mean...for the Well. I don’t blame you. I only said it because I know… I know that you still feel awful about it and that it would hurt. Sorry,” 

He'd gotten quieter as he spoke, and none of it was particularly new information--this was the kind of conversation that tended to happen over and over, after their fights. 

“It--” Leras was about to say that it was fine, but that was hollow in situations like these. “I know,” he said instead, drinking some of his own tea and wincing--it probably burned his tongue. “I’m sorry for...well, for getting like that, again.”    
  
It wasn't hard to figure out what he meant, and Ati offered him a smile as he reached for the cup of tea, if only to have something warm in his hands. 

“Hey, I did too, it’s not all on you,” he pointed out, sipping the tea without checking what it was (it was cinnamon, with a lot of sugar added, and he wanted to hug Leras again). The warmth flooded down through him, almost too hot, burning away the lingering chill from the rain. 

Leras did manage to smile at that, although it was rather wan. He looked exhausted, and it was no wonder--Ati knew that dealing with the shadows of the shard could be incredibly tiring, even if you weren't actually moving or doing anything. 

Thunder rolled out again and Ati winced, the cup in his hand shaking and spilling tea onto his hand as he swore. 

Leras sat up immediately, but Ati waved him away. “‘S not bad. Just hot.” The thunder, on the other hand, was still terrifying, but--

“Sure you don’t want to head to the couch or something?” Leras asked. It was a good question--the couch had enough room for them to sit next to each other, and there was nothing Ati really wanted more than to just curl into Leras’ side and not move until the storm was over. 

“Sure,” He managed, still feeling overall shaky, and let Leras pull him up again. There was a moment where they were just looking at each other, Leras still holding Ati’s hand, and then Ati leaned in to kiss him, just quickly, before they moved. The familiarity of that gesture, of stealing quick kisses from Leras, was good--it was grounding, it was proof that things could go back to normal after these fights, that not everything was ruined. 

“I love you,” He said when he pulled away, and this time Leras’ smile wasn't tired or wry at all. 

“Love you, too,” Leras said back, and Ati smiled as well. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After this they probably cuddled on the couch until Ati passed out from exhaustion on Leras' shoulder and then they both ended up sleeping on the couch.


	8. The Sin Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ohhkay, this one is smut, you can skip it if you don't want to see that. For what it's worth, it's cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Dissociation at the beginning; explicit sex  
> Rating: Explicit
> 
> Considerably better-written sin than the reunion fic imo but ehh

“Leras?” 

The voice from behind him was soft, but it was enough to snap Leras out of his near-trance. It had been snowing, and he’d initially meant just to watch that, but as time passed he’d slipped again--

“Leras, it’s freezing out there, get back here, you’re warm.” Ati grumbled, pushing himself up from the bed, his red hair a tousled mess, the blanket falling off of him and baring his torso to the air of the room. Leras shrugged off his inertia, moving away from the window--it  _ was  _ cold, unpleasantly so, and he shivered as he moved, hurrying over to the bed on legs shaky from inactivity and sliding over the covers next to Ati, who (as he usually did) immediately pulled Leras close, and then made a whining noise. 

“How long were you standing there? You’re freezing!” He complained, and Leras blinked, starting to pull away. Ati would have none of that, keeping him close, and Leras could feel warmth stealing back back into his limbs. 

“I’m… not entirely sure.” He admitted, wrapping his own arms around the other man. “A while.” Probably hours, given the stiffness in his back and legs. Ati made a low noise of sympathy. A hand started rubbing slow circles into Leras’ back, and he let himself relax, his head leaning on Ati’s shoulder, his cheek tickled by his boyfriend’s curls. 

“You okay?” Ati asked, quietly. Leras smiled against him, warmth returning almost as if he was tapping a brassmind. 

“I am now.” 

He could hear Ati’s somewhat exasperated huff, but he could also feel the way Ati pulled him closer, and that was worth it. 

“It’s snowing out there,” Ati said after a moment, and Leras smiled again. 

“Yeah, it is.” He replied quietly, letting his eyes slide closed, trying to distract himself from his thoughts with the feeling of Ati in his arms. He felt the other man shift, pushing himself further up. 

“Are you sure you’re ok?” He asked, after a period of quiet. “You only do these things when you’re worried about something.” 

That was true, but Leras hadn’t realized that Ati had noticed. It shouldn’t have surprised him, though. He shifted, moving back so he could actually look at Ati. The redhead’s blue eyes were worried, lines creasing his forehead. Leras leaned in to kiss him softly, quickly so he could still answer the question. 

“I...I’m not sure. Something is bothering me, but I don’t know what it is yet so it’s just...an itch, at the back of my mind. I’ll think of it eventually, and I can’t rush it, but…” He sighed, a hollow rush of breath. “That doesn’t make it easier.” 

Ati made a hum of sympathy, pulling Leras close again to kiss him again. 

“Anything I can do?” He asked, breath light against Leras’ lips. 

This was ridiculous--it was four in the morning, they both needed to sleep, and this wasn’t Ati’s problem--but at the same time…

“Distract me?” Leras asked, realizing how patently ridiculous it sounded as he did. He looked down, feeling his cheeks flush-- _ really, after all this time, still?-- _ but Ati just grinned, hands sliding to the small of Leras’ back as he pulled him close to kiss him again. 

“Always,” he said with a grin, pushing Leras down onto his back, leaving him to stare up at Ati, incapable of keeping a smile from spreading over his own face. It broke quickly into a gasp as Ati leaned down to suck at the part of Leras’ neck that he  _ knew  _ made the shorter man shudder, one hand grabbing onto the sheet on reflex. Meanwhile, Ati’s own hands were moving, sliding down Leras’ body--outside of the overlarge shirt Leras wore to sleep, not crossing that line even this long after it had stopped being much of an issue, bless him--and settling on his upper legs, his fingers tracing lazy patterns against Leras’ inner thighs .

“ _ Ati,”  _ Leras hissed quietly, eyes sliding closed as he heard an amused chuckle from the other man. 

“Is it working?” he heard Ati laugh, and only groaned in response. “Or do I have to start making puns? Because I could--” 

“I will push you off of this bed,” Leras threatened, regretting the fact that his voice was too breathy to really count as intimidating. 

“Wow,  _ rude.”  _ Leras could  _ hear  _ Ati’s pout, and then there were teeth scraping against Leras’ throat and most thoughts left Leras’ mind as one of his hands found its way into Ati’s hair, desperate to hold on to  _ something,  _ letting the feeling of it and of Ati pull him out of his thoughts and into the present. 

Carefully, he pulled Ati back up to kiss him, losing himself in the softness of Ati’s lips, the way the other man would bite at Leras’ lips if he thought Leras was getting too complacent, the hint of a smile always there at the edge of his mouth. Leras had never gotten tired of this, not over thousands of years of life, and he knew that he never would. 

Sometimes things stayed the same, and sometimes that was the best thing in the world. This was one of those times, Leras thought, his hands settling on Ati’s waist, realizing belatedly that they might still be cold. Ati didn’t recoil, though, so it was probably alright--instead, his back arched and he made a low moan against Leras’ mouth, which made Leras smile. 

“Have I ever mentioned to you that you wear too many layers to bed?’ Ati asked, starting to pull down Leras’ pants. Leras snorted, shifting to help him. 

“Usually you complain about me not wearing  _ enough.”  _

“The mistcloak doesn’t count as an extra layer if you’re wearing nothing else, Leras,” Ati said, rolling his eyes and kissing Leras before he could retort again. Which was irritating, because it  _ absolutely did,  _ but then Ati’s hand moved down to Leras’ dick and any desire to continue that argument went out the window. Instead, Leras gasped, sliding back against the pillows as his hands tightened on Ati’s waist--not too tight, he was always careful about that. He might like it when Ati was rough with him, but it didn’t necessarily go both ways. 

“ _ Ati,”  _ he gasped, pulling Ati back down into another kiss, and he could  _ tell  _ that Ati was grinning, and couldn’t stop himself from doing it as well. 

“You’re blushing,” Ati said, sounding  _ insufferably  _ smug, starting to just barely stroke Leras, just the light touch of fingers, the promise of something more later that left Leras breathless and impatient. 

“Your hand is on my dick, Ati, of  _ course  _ I’m blushing,” he snapped, looking away, and Ati laughed, leaning down and pressing a kiss to Leras’ cheek, to the side of his neck, then finally finding Leras’ lips again, moving his hand away as he did and making Leras whine softly. Ati pulled away, the laugh still visible in the crinkles around his eyes, and Leras smiled up at him, unable  _ not  _ to. 

“You’re  _ always  _ blushing,” Ati corrected himself, something in his voice going softer. “You’re beautiful.” 

There had been a time when Leras had recoiled from that word--when it had only really been used to define what he could or could not do; he was supposed to be beautiful, to work at it, to do the things the girls around him were doing. It had taken a long time for the word to stop meaning everything he refused to be. But Ati didn’t say it with any expectation of behavior, or any weight to it. 

Instead, it was just a statement of fact--it was snowing outside, it was cold, Leras was beautiful. Leras could feel himself blushing  _ even more,  _ but looked at Ati again, catching the softness in his blue eyes and the way the soft light of the stars and the snow lit his face. 

“I love you,” he whispered, and caught the shy beginnings of the smile on Ati’s face, before it bloomed into a full grin and Ati’s cockiness returned with a vengeance. 

“I know.”

Leras immediately switched to scowling at him, raising an incredulous eyebrow. “ _ Ati,”  _ he said, trying to project all of his long-suffering exhaustion and none of his humor into his voice. “Did you just quote Star Wars at me in bed?” 

“...maybe?” 

“You can never call  _ me  _ a nerd again,” he said irritably, propping himself up with an elbow to kiss Ati before the other man could manage to ruin the mood again. He could tell that Ati was still laughing, and if he was being honest, he was close as well. But he couldn’t let Ati know that, otherwise this would  _ never end.  _

“Anyway, weren’t you doing something more important?” He asked, when they broke apart. Ati grinned, putting a hand to Leras’ chest to push him back down to the bed. 

“ _ Someone’s  _ being pushy,” he said, looking up at Leras through his lashes as he moved down the other man’s body. Leras’ breath caught--it always did, when Ati looked at him like that--but he did his best not to let it show. 

“ _ Someone’s  _ not following th _ rough--”  _ his voice caught as Ati pressed another scraping kiss to his neck, making a mark just next to the one he’d made earlier. Ati’s hands were at his waist, pushing at the hem of his shirt for a moment. 

“This okay?” Ati asked, and Leras could feel the man’s breath against his skin. He smiled, irrationally happy at the fact that Ati was  _ asking.  _

“Of course.” He said, leaning back as Ati immediately started pushing his shirt off, his fingers warm against the cold air that made Leras shiver. Leras sat up to help, pulling his shirt the rest of the way off and hissing at the cold, and then Ati pulled him back down, following his fingers with his tongue and making Leras gasp. 

“ _ Ati,”  _ he managed, and then Ati’s teeth lightly closed around one of his nipples and his voice was gone, into a low groan and the tension in his hands as they grabbed at the sheets beneath him. “Ati, please--"

“What do you want?” Ati asked, his voice still teasing but the question genuine. Leras’ eyes slid shut, trying to sort through any of the options that presented themselves to him. “And before you say anything, it’s too cold for me to get out of bed and get anything.” 

“Wasn’t even considering it,” Leras replied, giving up trying to decide. Ati was more or less in charge at the moment anyway, and unlike Leras he never really seemed to need to plan things out. “Can’t decide. You choose, okay?” 

Ati grinned at that, moving up to kiss Leras again, sloppy and hurried in a way that boded well. Leras let one of his hands curl in Ati’s hair, enough to make the other man moan into his mouth, sending warmth straight down Leras’ spine. 

“Great,” Ati said, pulling away with his cheeks slightly flushed and his eyes bright. “I’m gonna suck you off now, if that’s okay, and we’ll see where this goes from there.” 

Leras groaned, hand tightening at those words. 

_ “Yes.”  _

Ati kissed him again, very quickly, and then pushed himself down the bed. When Leras did this, he usually took his time, kissing every inch of Ati’s body he could reach. Ati didn’t have the patience for that, instead instantly moving to push Leras’ legs apart--not  _ very  _ necessary, as Leras had started spreading them the moment that Ati moved. Ati grinned, looking up at Leras in the way that made Leras’ breath catch (alright, one of the around ten ways that made Leras’ breath catch, there was a list somewhere and  _ oh God Beyond--).  _

Leras had never quite understood how Ati managed to apparently  _ turn off his gag reflex at will,  _ but he certainly wasn’t going to complain. He gasped at the warm wetness of Ati’s mouth, head falling back to hit the pillows and hand in the sheets tightening. He managed to choke out that sounded like Ati’s name and got a hum in response that destroyed his ability to think clearly at all. 

As far as distractions went, there weren’t any that were more effective or enjoyable than this, Leras thought hazily. His eyes slid shut and he could  _ tell  _ that Ati was amused at how sensitive he was--but how could Leras  _ not  _ be, Ati’s hands warm on his thighs and Ati’s tongue doing things that Leras had never been able to really piece together, given that his brain was more scattered than it had been when it was  _ literally spread between three realms and across one planet.  _

He had enough coherence to recognize the surge in his blood, the way that he’d gone tense, and  _ no, not yet--  _

_ “ _ Ati, wait--” he manages to say, and Ati listened, pulling away enough for Leras to breathe easily. He took half a second just to do that, before pushing himself up on one elbow in order to see Ati better. The air was still cold against Leras’ skin, which between what they were doing and the blankets was sweat-slick, his hair sticking to his forehead. “Sorry,” Leras says when he can, offering an apologetic smile. “Didn’t want to come yet--I mean, you still even have your boxers on.” He paused, looked at the offending article of clothing, and revised his statement. “You still have  _ my  _ boxers on.” 

“Mine now, you nerd,” Ati said cheerfully, leaning in to kiss Leras again. Leras rolled his eyes but did anyway, heat still under his skin, spiking again at the kiss. 

“I don’t care  _ whose  _ they are as long as they come off,” He said when Ati pulled back, sliding his hands down to tug at the waistband. “I want you to fuck me.” 

This close, Leras could see Ati’s pupils dilate, and he smiled, pulling down the boxers as he did. It took Ati a moment to react, but then he grinned, pushing Leras back down onto the bed and leaning precariously off of it to grab for the lube that was in the top drawer of the dresser. Leras eyed his position for a moment, then wrapped an arm around his waist, making sure that he wasn’t going to topple off the bed. It also gave him a chance to press kisses to Ati’s side, a place he knew was sensitive--and also pretty ticklish, as an added bonus. 

Sure enough, Ati squirmed against Leras, laughing as he pushed himself back onto the bed.  _ “Leras--”  _

Leras brought Ati down into a kiss as an answer, hand  in Ati’s hair and the other wrapped still around his waist. Ati responded eagerly, nipping Leras’ lower lip, pushing him down onto the bed as Leras’ back arched and he gasped against Ati’s mouth. 

After a moment, Ati pulled back, hurriedly slicking his fingers up with what was probably too much lube, and slid down the bed to kneel between Leras’ spread legs, grinning up at the other man. “Guessing you don’t want me to take my time?” 

“Don’t you  _ dare,”  _ Leras retorted, scowling. Ati laughed again, one hand sliding along Leras’ thigh in a gesture that could have been calming or, more likely, was just the fact that Ati had a thing for Leras’ legs. Then there was a finger carefully pushing into Leras and he stopped thinking about that, his breath sounding very loud in the dark room as he tried to relax.  Fortunately Ati had listened to Leras, quickly moving on to a second finger. Leras hissed slightly at the stretch but shook his head at Ati’s concerned noise. 

“It’s fine, keep going,” he said, noticing the way his voice shook slightly. Ati twisted his fingers slightly and Leras groaned, back arching as his hands twisted into fists.  _ “Ati--”  _

“Yeah?” Ati asked, hitting that spot again so that Leras’ attempted response just trailed off into a low moan, the slick slide of Ati’s fingers and subtle burn of the stretch sending shivering waves through Leras, making it hard to respond to Ati’s teasing. Instead, his eyes half-closed and his breath left in a hiss as another bit of his self-control evaporated, lost somewhere between Ati’s blue eyes and his ridiculously talented fingers.

“ _ Ati,”  _ he tried again, taking a deep breath to push himself up and grab Ati’s wrist, making him stop, making him look up to meet Leras’ eyes. “That’s enough, just...just fuck me.  _ Now.”  _ Leras was aware that his voice was too high, too breathy for any of this to sound remotely  _ urgent,  _ but apparently however it sounded was enough to convince Ati, who stared at him for a moment, visibly swallowing, before nodding and pulling away. In almost any other situation Leras would have been embarrassed at the soft whine he made, but at the moment impatience and the need to have Ati inside him as soon as possible overrode any self-consciousness he had. 

Ati slicked himself up quickly, but then hesitated when he returned. 

“ _ Ati,”  _ Leras said, this time more of a warning. Ati seemed to consider his options, each second stretching Leras’ patience. After a moment that seemed to take forever, he grinned. 

“Beg,” he suggested, his smile  _ far  _ too smug for this situation. Leras shot him a flat stare. 

“Ati, I swear to the God Beyond that if you do not fuck me  _ right now,  _ I will tie you to this bed and ride you until you can’t remember your own  _ name.”  _ He said, watching as Ati’s eyes darkened at this. 

“...You’re really not doing a good job of convincing me to fuck you--” Ati started, but Leras yanked him down into a kiss, using the opportunity to wrap a leg around his waist, keeping him close. 

“ _ And  _ I won’t let you come until you’re the one begging for it,” he added, pulling away from the kiss to look up with lidded eyes at Ati, sliding a hand between them to wrap around Ati’s dick, stroking it as he kept talking. “Until you’re the one squirming on the bed, your face flushed in the way that brings out your freckles and you’re holding on to the headboard because that’s what you can reach, and my hands are in your hair--and I’ll go  _ slowly,  _ I’ll draw it out until you can’t  _ think _ anymore and you’re being so loud they can probably hear you halfway across campus, your voice will be  _ wrecked  _ tomorrow and--” 

_ “Leras,”  _ Ati moaned, hips bucking into Leras’ hand. “Leras, fuck--” 

“Or,” Leras said, voice still too tight, gasping as Ati’s movement meant he was grinding against Leras and heat surged through him again. “ _ Or,  _ since we’re already here and I’d have to leave the bed to get something to tie you with, and--” he cut himself off again, biting back a moan, “--and it’s cold out there, you  _ could  _ just fuck me.” 

“Okay,” Ati gasped after a moment, leaning down to kiss Leras again. “You win, I’ll-- _ fuck, Leras--”  _

Leras grinned in satisfaction, pulling his hand, now slick with some mixture of precome and lube, away from Ati as the other man moved back. When Ati pushed inside him,  _ finally,  _ Leras swore and his back arched, although that was hardly audible under Ati’s characteristically loud moan. Fortunately, Ati seemed to be as impatient as Leras was at this point and he didn’t hesitate before sliding back and pushing back in again, hard and fast and just the way that Leras liked it. Leras held onto Ati as best he could, one arm around the other man’s back, legs wrapped around Ati’s waist to pull him closer as Leras arched against his thrusts. 

Ati said something that sounded like Leras’ name, breathlessly, and Leras kissed him both to muffle his moans and because not kissing him seemed impossible at that moment. Ati had, apparently, finally decided to listen to everything Leras had said about not going slowly, because the pace he set was desperately fast, his hands tense where they were holding Leras’ legs. It was rough and unforgiving and Leras would end up feeling it tomorrow, he knew--but none of that stopped him from loving it, rolling his hips to meet every thrust of Ati’s, gasping into their kiss and then falling back onto the pillows, keeping his eyes open because there was no way he would miss Ati’s face, the way he looked at Leras in these moments--

_ “Ati-- _ ” he said, meeting the other man’s eyes as he pushed in again, holding on to him like a lifeline. 

“Leras,” Ati breathed back, his head dropping to rest on Leras’ collarbone as his thrusts became more erratic, his control slipping. He managed, though, to slip a hand between them, taking hold of Leras’ dick. It wasn’t like his strokes were much more controlled than his hips at this point, but fortunately Leras was too far gone for it to matter, a tight coil of arousal in his stomach winding further, making it seem almost hard to breathe. 

And then Ati’s hips stilled and shuddered and he was coming, one hand tightening on Leras’ legs and--perhaps just to muffle himself, perhaps because he knew what it did for Leras--biting down against Leras’ shoulder. Leras swore breathlessly, whiteness blooming against the inside of his eyelids as his hips jerked up into Ati’s hand, and it only took a few more movements of Ati’s wrist for him to come as well, holding tight to Ati as he did. 

They stayed there for a moment, both catching their breath, and then Ati pulled out carefully, Leras wincing against the stimulation, which was suddenly too much. There was another moment of silence, before Leras shifted and winced slightly. 

“I’d better clean-” he gestured vaguely to the sticky, sweaty mess that was their bed “--all this before I fall asleep, right?” Already, sleep seemed far too tempting. 

“Nah, I got it,” Ati said, pushing himself up out of bed. Leras blinked after him. 

“You don’t have to--” 

“Shhhh,” Ati waved his words off, heading over to the bathroom as Leras looked after him, resigning himself to, if he was incapable of helping, at least enjoying the view. 

The washcloth that Ati brought back was warm, and Leras smiled, pulling Ati down into a kiss as the other man did his best to clean up at least Leras and the area of the bed that they’d be sleeping in. When Ati finally climbed back into the bed, he pulled Leras close immediately, curling into his chest as Leras threaded a hand into his hair. 

“Ati?” He said after a moment, the room silent other than their breathing and the occasional sound of one of them moving under the covers. 

“Yeah?” Came Ati’s response, somewhat muffled against Leras’ chest. 

“Thank you,” Leras said, looking down to kiss the top of his head--the only part of Ati he could really reach. Ati made a still-muffled happy hum. 

“Pretty good distraction, huh?” He said, smug. Leras couldn’t stop himself from smiling. 

“The best.” 

There was silence for another moment, Leras’ eyes starting to slide shut, and then Ati shifted, looking up. 

“Hey, Leras?” He asked. Leras blinked. 

“Yeah?” 

“What you were talking about--with you riding me--could we do that tomorrow?” He asked, grinning. Leras sighed, rolling his eyes, but he still couldn’t stop his smile from staying in place. 

“Do you know how sore I’m going to be? Not tomorrow. Maybe the day after.” He replied, leaning down to kiss Ati again. They broke apart fairly quickly, both too tired to spend to long kissing. 

“I’ll hold you to that,” Ati yawned, curling back into Leras’ chest. Leras laughed quietly. 

“I know you will. Go to sleep, Ati.” 

From the general vicinity of Ati’s head came a muffled response that sounded something like “you first,” and Leras smiled, pulling Ati closer and grabbing the blankets from the bottom of the bed to cover them. 

 


	9. Side Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A side conversation between Leras and MeLaan in the RP, after Rashek managed to be such a colossal asshole that MeLaan ended up defending Ati.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: None, really
> 
> I wanted to write these two interacting, because Ati and MeLaan get along fairly well (now) and even back when this was written and they got along less well, they were hilarious--but Leras and MeLaan hadn't interacted much.
> 
> This happens a while after this conversation between Ati and MeLaan:
> 
> http://cosmererp.tumblr.com/post/137583449398/melaan-is-out-of-her-depth-aka-shard

Leras was completely unsurprised to find her on the roof. It was strange, even after a semester in KU, seeing the night sky with moons. MeLaan seemed to find it as fascinating as he did, because she was leaning back, studying the sky. She still had the darker skin and pale blue eyes that matched the younger Kholin--the one that she tended to hang around more. 

It was somewhat alarming, Leras knew, how few people he knew even after a semester living within a densely populated area. He tended to attribute it--his overwhelming bent toward inertia, to staying where he was and letting minor tasks consume him--to Preservation. Certainly he’d never been this bad before. 

The kandra must have heard his footsteps, because she leaned back and grinned, looking away from the moon. “Oh, hi.” 

“Are you going to start throwing alcohol parties on our roof as well?” Leras asked, heading to the edge of the roof and sitting next to MeLaan. She laughed, looking back up at the sky.

“What? Nah. You don’t have the alcohol for it and Wax’s house is a lot better situated on campus.” She paused, looking over at him, and her eyes narrowed. “I’m betting that’s not what you’re here to talk about, though.” 

She’d gotten a lot better at reading people, Leras knew, and he raised an eyebrow. MeLaan mimicked the expression and he couldn’t stop himself from laughing, although he became solemn quickly. 

“You probably know what I’m going to ask. Thank you, but why did you do it?” 

“Do what?” MeLaan asked, gaze drifting to the second of the three moons. Leras shot her a sidelong look. 

“You know what I’m talking about. The other day, with Ati...you didn’t need to do that, and you hate him. I’m appreciative--really, I can’t tell you how appreciative I am--but why?” 

MeLaan sighed, looking over to meet his eyes again. “I suppose you’re not letting me off with “because it would piss off Father’?” 

“While that is a noble goal, you’d be lying.” Leras retorted. “That alone wouldn’t be enough to get you to stay online, trying to stop Ruin from hating himself.” 

“But Ati isn’t Ruin.” The line surprised Leras, and MeLaan clearly noticed, a somewhat amused lift in her tone as she continued. “Is he?” 

“He says so.” Leras sighed, looking down. MeLaan snorted. 

“With all due respect, I don’t trust him anywhere  _ near  _ as far as I can throw him. I know Ruin. I remember when Ruin grabbed my mind. What Ati does? Bugging me for four hours in my head to come help you guys move in? That’s not Ruin.” 

“Four hours?” Leras asked. “Is that why you came?’ 

“No. I got your phone call and  _ then  _ said I’d help. I still don’t  _ like  _ the guy, P--Leras.” She was only now shifting from calling him Preservation, Leras noticed. Well, it must be hard to get rid of 300-odd years of conditioning. 

“So why did you help him?” Leras asked again. 

MeLaan shrugged, looking away, pulling her Kholin-blue hoodie closer around her shoulders. 

“I don’t know. You guys are happy when you’re around each other. When he’s gone, you try to deafen us all with the piano and mope in the guest room for days. And Rashek was spewing  _ bullshit,  _ and it was pissing me off.” 

“That’s for sure,” Leras said, failing to keep a note of venom out of his voice. MeLaan looked over at him. 

“Huh. So he really did talk to you. Good.” She seemed surprised. 

“You thought he wouldn’t?” Leras asked, amused and she shrugged. 

“Well, when I started talking to him, he didn’t seem like he was gonna, and why should he have taken my advice? I know pretty much nothing on the topic.” She leaned back again, looking back up at the moons.   
  
“For someone who knows nothing on the topic, you were pretty convincing.” Leras said, and she laughed. 

“Really? I was just trying to think of what Sazed would say. He’s good at this kind of thing.” 

Well, if she wanted to play it down, Leras wasn’t going to stop her, but he also knew that the chance that Sazed would get through to Ati when Ati was having one of his episodes was slim to nonexistant. 

MeLaan, on the other hand, had. Perhaps it was because, on some level, she and Ati spoke the same language. Irreverent, immature, honest, and fond of seeming more aggressive than they actually were, raised to be a tool and pointedly embracing their identity as a rebellion--yes, maybe it wasn’t that odd at all that MeLaan had managed to connect with Ati when she’d opened the conversation with “I don’t like you, but everything Father is saying is bullshit” and gone from there. Sazed couldn’t have managed it. Leras could have, but only through years of practice. MeLaan just stumbled in, an invasive cluster of determination and aggression and good intentions, and had managed to make it work. 

“Well, in any case. Thank you, MeLaan. I’m sure you’re aware that the extra room here is open--although, how many houses is that true for?” 

MeLaan paused, and seemed to actually be counting. “Sazed, Wax, Marasi, Renarin probably, here, homeland...probably more…” 

Of course. Leras smiled, pushing himself up from the roof. “Well, I should go make sure Ati doesn’t burn the house down before we’re done furnishing it. See you around campus?” 

“Obviously,” MeLaan returned, raising a hand in farewell. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As an aside, "an invasive cluster of determination and aggression and good intentions" is exactly how I play MeLaan.


End file.
